Solitude

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8:33 p.m. - 2007-07-19
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i feel like an idiot. the first time in my life i ever tried to call someone and explain myself when i wasn't even the one so called in the wrong and i get ignored.

right after that i stupidly waited about half an hour for someone who went off and took a nice long nap when i was under the impression that he was showering. would have wasted 2hrs of my time had i not decide to go off. bloody waste of my time. tell me again that you love me. better yet, do something to show it this time. or maybe just don't bother altogether.

1:15 p.m. - 2007-07-17
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useless trash. stop being a stupid and weak crybaby. get a hold of yourself. useless girl. you are better off dead. not like you are of any use to anyone.

12:04 p.m. - 2007-07-17
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i'm always in the wrong ain't i? i'm just the resident bitch huh? i guess i am. why did i ever think that i should act all nice and sweet to make people like me? why did i even care? i should have just acted like the fucking bitch that i am right from the start. sure saves a lot of confusion down the road.

i guess its your misfortune to have ever met me. really, i'm not worth nuts to anyone. i wonder what made me think otherwise at first. forget about this worthless trash will you? i doubt you can get used to me anyway. just stop the misery and forget about me.

after all i'm always doing the wrong things.

4:24 p.m. - 2007-07-11
not the same

i tried to forget, i tried to act like normal, but i can't. i just can't pretend that i didn't see the words. i can't pretend that it didn't hurt. i can't pretend that i have put it behind me.

i thought i could but i guess i was wrong, i just don't feel right after that day. everything feels wrong. maybe i just wasn't all that deep in as i thought, as i want to be. maybe i'm petty. maybe i just couldn't forgive that subconsciously even though i said everything was fine.

i know i said that i wouldn't say it unless i meant it. and i really just could not make myself say it without hesitating after that. maybe i don't mean it anymore, i don't know. i'm not sure if i do anymore. i'm sorry i lied.

a part of me wants everything to stay the same. but another part of me is somehow resigned to the fact that it is probably over.

everyday, i'm leaning more and more to one part of me inside.

today i just woke up feeling that everything has gone so wrong.

i'm sorry.

11:46 p.m. - 2007-06-26
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the best is not gone yet..please continue loving me..please?

12:00 a.m. - 2007-06-24
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i'm feeling really down this couple of days. i know i always tell you to cheer up and think positively...how i hope i can practice what i preach. to tell the truth, i feel just like you do. i get more and more uninspired and unmotivated with each passing day. i just feel like giving up and end it all. i really don't have the energy to do all this anymore. my mind become blank every time i look at a piece of work. how i want to just join in and bemoan everything. but i can't. because i can't let you wallow in misery like that. i can't let you be so negative, i just can't. i have to make you cheer up even though i feel totally flat and down. why? because i just want to see you happy and thriving.

8:52 p.m. - 2007-06-20
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i am a lousy girlfriend ain't i? you put up with me all day long. i would have flared and ignored you if it was me. i don't deserve to be treated so nicely. i feel lousy. i'm sorry. i love you. really i do.

10:32 p.m. - 2007-06-13
useless

i feel so useless. sigh. why am i so boring? so uninteresting? sigh. nevermind.

5:31 p.m. - 2007-06-04
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you know why i always say that i don't feel important to you anymore? lets compare how you treated me then and now.

you don't hug me and ask me not to go home so early and whisper 'i love you' into my ear because you miss me anymore.

you don't smell my hair anymore.

you don't want to hug me and not let go anymore.

you seem all too keen to say goodbye now every time you send me home.

you push me away when i try to hug you.

you don't want to hold my hand anymore.

you laugh at me when i try to tell you how i feel.(you might not realise this one because i never get to saying what i want to say)

you don't keep saying 'i love you' over and over while telling me not to go home anymore.

you don't like to kiss me anymore.

you start to snap at me because of little things now.

all these little things add up to really hurt when i go through them again and again every single day you know? do you know how i feel everytime i say its ok? nevermind.

maybe i shouldn't complain because i wasn't all that good to you anyway. you know, that's why i'm telling you to go find someone else. because i obviously can't make you happy anymore. good luck to you. forget about me. i'm no good for you.

4:05 p.m. - 2007-06-04
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why am i bothering to cry again?

sometimes i really don't understand what is going on.

i know i'm a lousy person to be with.

maybe you shouldn't waste your time on me anymore.

what do i do other then making everything wrong? what did i achieve other then spoiling everything everyday?

maybe i really should just disappear from everyone's life.

its not like i'm exactly a good part of it anyway.

maybe you should find someone who does a better job at making you happy

1:51 p.m. - 2007-06-04
sorry i'm just not good enough

so i guess its not enough to waste a few hours of my time staring at the computer screen everyday while you play your game, not moving away because you might come out for like 10seconds and say hello.

guess its not enough to wait and try to study even though i was already falling asleep because i was waiting for you to end your game because i don't want to always just leave a message and then go off.

guess its not enough to wait in the background without you knowing.

guess it is a must to voice out everything we do for each other and hope for reward in this world.

guess its not enough to assume that you know i care.

guess i'm just not enough anymore.

i know i'm a boring, selfish, uninteresting and far from perfect person. maybe you just realised it. so maybe all i am is a passing phase after all. i should have known and not get my hopes up again. when was it any different?

will it be better if i just die right now and disappear from everyone's lifes?

guess it would not make too much of a difference anyway.

8:06 p.m. - 2007-05-28
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i am so fucking tempted to just go and see if you updated anything. but i have not, and i am not going to. because i think it's time i grow up and start respecting other's privacy.

i know you're frustrated by our conversation just now. and i am sure you hold different views from me. but i will not take back my words. because that was how i truely felt. i am sick and tired of trying to be nice and sweet. so i'm a bitch. big surprise there huh? i'm sorry if you don't love me anymore. i just can't be the sweet girl you think i am.

and i'm tired of always end up thinking that it's all my fault and feeling useless.

and if this is going to be the end, at least for once i was truely being myself.

6:51 p.m. - 2007-05-28
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you want to know what's wrong? i'll tell you what's wrong.

i'm tired of feeling dumb and useless everytime you give up asking me a question because you don't understand my explanation.

i'm tired of you turning away from me and making me feel stupid.

i'm tired of taking the brunt of your frustrations. i'm your girlfriend not your venting machine.

i'm tired of you giving me that face which writes clearly that you think i'm being childish and unreasonable.

i'm tired of feeling bad everytime some small action of mine makes you moody.

i'm tired of always being wrong.

i'm tired of always being seen as unreasonable and childish.

there you have it. what happened.

maybe i am unreasonable and childish. whatever. if you really see it that way, then fine i won't force you to see it my way.

i'll just say that, i can't change. i will not change. if you can't take it, then nevermind about me. afterall, i'm no one important.

there you have it. you will know what happened as long as you find this page.

11:47 a.m. - 2007-05-26
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i still don't understand. i said thanks didn't i? please read soon. thats a command? pleaseeee. i think she's just got too much time on her hands. maybe the email was a little short. but does she expect me to like write her a freaking letter? hello, that's less for u to read you idiot. and whats wrong with hi? you mean i have to type out your name in a freaking sms? so i typed hi instead of hello miss lim. whats the big deal? you mean you think hi is rude? what the hell. i'm not as free as you. if you haven't notice, your smses don't even have a freaking hi.

10:51 p.m. - 2007-05-24
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i miss you. i wanna kiss you see you hug you. i feel like shit. i wish you are by my side right now.

10:04 p.m. - 2007-05-24
what the fuck?

i sent you the draft already. please read soon. thanks =)
-name- -class-

is there anything wrong with this? i freaking gross myself out trying to act nice and she wants to talk about sms etiquette? what the fuck? i said please, thanks and even put a freaking smiley face. what the heck does she want? i'm already fucking pissed with the lesson and now she even wants to "teach" me how to send a freaking sms? who the fuck does she think she is? i hope she die along with zel and the bitch.

10:02 p.m. - 2007-05-24
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

10:07 p.m. - 2007-05-23
fuck life

school fucking drains all my energy

10:33 p.m. - 2007-05-22
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useless bitch

8:11 p.m. - 2007-05-22
bitch

i'm a fucking bitch. but you know what? i don't care. i like being a bitch. its so much better then pretending to be nice and sweet. i can't carry on the facade anymore. why be nice? is there a truly nice person other there at all? why try to deceive everyone when they all know that its fake anyway. i'm so tired of acting nice and being concerned about other people. the truth is? i'm a fucking selfish bitch who only cares about myself. the rest of the world can go jump off buildings for all i care. just don't bother me.

and yes. i am childish and selfish and short tempered and perhaps unreasonable to some extent. i don't care. thats me. can't take it then forget it. stop making everyone miserable. i wish i had the courage to say this to everyone's face. but i'm just a great big coward who'll hide behind the facade forever even though i keep saying that i'm not going to keep it up anymore.

guess i lie to myself the most.

*edit* on second thoughts, i don't even care all that much about myself. guess i'm a stupid useless bitch.

9:44 p.m. - 2007-05-19
over?
i don't know. somehow i think that we're not getting each other's meaning at all. i guess what really irked me was the way you "tsked" and sighed and said that we should go home. you sounded really annoyed and impatient and it felt you you just don't want to see me. you would probably deny that. i don't know how exactly you felt but it sure felt that way to me. perhaps its not fair for me to say that you are just denying the fact because i really don't know how you felt. i'm just typing out how I felt. anyway i'm still sorry about ruining the night. somehow i always ruin everything. maybe you won't ever want to have anything to do with me again. i don't know. i'm starting to not care what happen to me anymore.

1:04 a.m. - 2007-05-08
weak

why am i such a crybaby? why do tears fall at the slightest thing? i really hate myself sometimes. whats with being so weak all the
time? why am i so useless? sometimes i wonder whats good about me? is there anything at all? i'm boring useless stupid and weak.
fuck thisi don't want to be like this. but somehow i just do. nevermind i'm just making myself feel worse. bye.

1:01 a.m. - 2007-05-08
confused

what is wrong these days? my moodswings are going all over the place. and he's not exactly helping going all strange on me whenever
i need him the most. i just don't understand. i know i'm not the best person to be with in one of my moods. but sometimes, i don't
know, he just puts me in one of those moods with his replies. what exactly is wrong? he says he loves me. but somehow i don't
feel it anymore. does he still mean it or is it just an action of habit now? do we pretend and go on as if everything is fine? somehow
i don't think that we will ever reach a conclusion even if we decide to talk it out. sometimes i really don't know what is going on inside.

does he really want to do what he says? or is he just saying that because it is what he is supposed to say?

sometimes i feel like we are just going through the motions everyday. does he love me? or does he simply like my face? did he love
me? or was it just infatuation in disguise?

i still love you ed.

i hope you mean it when you say you love me too...

12:48 a.m. - 2007-05-08
questions of life

once again i'm going back to the question of "what exactly are we living for?". why? why do we torture ourselves and work so hard?
get all drained and lifeless? why? to what means? will we be happier? perhaps some people will, but what about the rest? why are
we also doing this? because we're told to do so? because we don't ahve a choice? because we never really thought about it before?
i'm tired of trying, working, doing things i would rather not do. why am i doing this? so that i'll graduate and find a job next time? and
then what? work my ass off and earn money that i'll never have time to spend? spend them on other people? leave it to the next
generation? what about me? i grow old and die? just like that? what have i lived for? what was my passion? do i just exist and go
through the motions everyday? just so i could one day grow old and die and be forgotten? and then what about the next generation?
do they do the same? and then what? go through the big bang and start all over again? why? i just don't understand. what are we
doing to ourselves? why let life suck all the energy out of us? why do we even exist? what purpose do we serve? why can't we just
live simple and be happy? do whatever we want to do? be happy? what is happiness? will i ever get the answers to these? i suppose
all i can do is wait.until one day i grow old and die...

all these words inside of me..i don't know who i can talk to. maybe i don't want to talk to anyone at all..i don't know..maybe i'm
happy just to post them on this pathetic little corner where no one even know exist. somehow even this pathetic little corner is
working against me. going down just when i had all these to say. nevermind. i suppose i should have gotten used to this kind of
things long ago. i'm just too dumb to realise.

11:49 p.m. - 2007-04-30
thoughts...

sometimes i just feel so distant. why?

maybe i'm trying too hard to be happy. maybe happiness wasn't meant for me after all. maybe i should just give up.

maybe we're both not mature and patient enough for this.

i'm scared.

i don't want to lose this. but are we really capable of keeping it alive for long?

maybe i really am a sucky person to be with.

why does it always seem to be my fault? is it really my fault is he just not sensitive enough? but maybe i'm the one who's too insensitive.. i don't know. i really don't know..

i know he's trying to be a good boyfriend. but i don't know..is trying really enough? how can he be sure that he won't resent me somewhere down the road? he might be able to take it for months, perhaps even years, but forever? can he do it without dreading the times with me?

i don't want that to ever happen..i'm so scared.. is blind young hope really enough?

i guess we can only see how it goes..

7:14 p.m. - 2007-04-30
the flip side of perfection
what is perfection? what constitutes it? why do people endlessly pursue happiness even though it is never there for long? i have learnt, that happiness is a temporary thing. it is never there when you need it the most. happiness loves to run away and hide after making you feel so giddily happy moments before. sometimes it doesn't come back. sometimes it does, but only to disappear again moments later.

i don't understand the world at all. why do people fight so hard for survival when seriously death looks so much better in the long term. why?

why do people always look for perfection in everything even though they know perfectly(pun intended) well that it is not possible to find it? nothing is ever perfect. just as not one person is ever perfect as well. but still, people still pursue it endlessly. never stopping. never willing to accept the fact that its not possible. why?

the world is a stupid place. and people stupidly spend their lives trying to survive in this cruel place where eventually everyone dies.

11:11 p.m. - 2007-04-27
one big fucked up mess
sometimes life just holds no meaning for me. why are the tears falling? why am i exsisting? do i serve any purpose at all? i feel like an awkward mistake of life. maybe that is just what i am. maybe i don't belong at all. i'm so confused. so lost. i don't know how to put this feelings into words. is this depression? crying spells? i don't know. i don't know anything. i'm so tired. so tired of living laughing and pretending that everything is fine when i'm breaking inside. or maybe i was never whole. i don't want to be the odd one out anymore. but i don't knw how to fit in. why don't i care about anything? did god miss out something when He created me? was i a mistake? something sent here because of a stupid mistake? why send me here to this place where i don't belong? i feel so tired. i don't want to try anymore. i just want to hide somewhere and not wake up. i can't face life anymore. what am i doing? wasting time aimlessly wondering around. i have no aim, no purpose. i'm just a stupid waste of resources. why can't i gather the courage and just finish myself? why? maybe i'm a coward. maybe i just don't care enough. i don't know what to think. i just want to rest. why must life be so damn complicated? i'm really tired. so very very tired.

6:15 p.m. - 2007-04-05
2 months 30 days (90 days)

i miss you so much baby =/

can't wait till tomorrow when i can finaly see you again =D

9:52 p.m. - 2007-04-03
2 months 28 days (88 days)
sometimes i just don't know what is going through your mind..

did i do something wrong or are you having moodswings?

its hard to believe that you'll get upset just because i didn't watch something on tv you said was nice..

its equally hard to believe that you're fine when you sound like this..

is everything really as great as we want to believe?

3:30 p.m. - 2007-04-02
fucking pissed
seriously..it might seem like i'm unreasonable and overreacting..but can't they just leave me alone? i hate people checking up on me like that..i feel invaded and violated..perhaps i'm overreacting..perhaps its partly my fault..perhaps i shouldn't have blogged if i don't want people to see it..but i'm still fucking pissed..freaking people can't they just LEAVE ME ALONE?! fuck this. i just wanna be alone.

and you know what? i hope they find and read THIS.

1:33 a.m. - 2007-03-30
2 months 22 days (83 days)
i missed you so much baby..was really happy when i saw you today =D=D

by the way 100 hearts completed! woo!~ i could do it after all =D

I LOVE YOU! <3

11:35 p.m. - 2007-03-28
2 months 21 days (82 days)
i miss you so much baby =/ sigh..i feel so clingy =( sorry if i'm annoying ok?

anw 81 hearts ^^ 19 more to go! woo!~ hope you'll enjoy this little surprise /gg

i love you so so so so so much <3

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Those Days